


A happy image, of something that will never be (but that’s okay)

by Small_bump



Category: Union J (Band), X Factor (UK) RPF
Genre: Before x factor, M/M, tiny bit of shellet at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-20
Updated: 2013-02-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 23:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_bump/pseuds/Small_bump
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something is missing, though JJ isn't sure what it is.</p><p>(Or the one where JJ is depressed falls for the wrong person, breaks his bestfriends heart, joins a band and finds his place in the end)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A happy image, of something that will never be (but that’s okay)

_I’ve been trying to do it right (Hey)_

_I’ve been living a lonely life_

 

Something’s wrong jj isn’t sure what it is – but theirs ache which takes over his body, bothers him to the very core in his bones. It’s been a long time coming, creeping up slowly and steadily, and twisting knots in his stomach. It’s like disgusting taste that lingers in your mouth, and no matter how many times you gargle it just want vanish, it’s always their every time you close your mouth.

His tired to shake it off, the problem is. How do you get rid of a problem when you don’t know what it is? His just an unhappy person – for what reason he doesn’t bloody know. His the one who wanted to leave the jockey scene, didn’t want to do it anymore. Screw family tradition, screw disappointed looks from across the table at families dinners every Thursday.

Happiness was more important than his family’s dreams, and petty trophies that didn’t mean a single thing to him. Stacked their all neat and organised, like the yogurt section at ASDA. Only difference was the glass case, which protected his father’s ‘treasures.’

They were worthless to him, and he was the bloody one winning them! Who even cared? He’d stopped feeling any sort of joy from ridding the moment he hit thirteen and realized – not matter how many times he’d win, it would never be good enough. His father would also push, that’s just the way it was.

So jj quit, when seeking his father’s approval became too much – over powered his life, seeped into every part of it, like a black illness that suffocated you to death. Enough was enough, he needed to be happy – and if that meant pushing away his father’s dreams for his own - than that was minimal damage on his end. Because really nothing jj ever did was good enough, he’d always end up disappointing him – so might as well cut the strings early and save him the crushing disappointment which was sure to come.

There was only one problem to jj’s perfect plan (well perfect maybe not, but it was better than being his father’s puppet, hanging from imagery strings) jj  _ _isn’t__ happy.

And he doesn't know what’s wrong, what’s missing?    

Until he does, and then he wishes he could go back to those days of oblivion and bask in the bitter-sweet taste of it. 

 

 

_I’ve been sleeping here instead (Hey)_

_I’ve been sleeping in my bed_

 

The thing is jj likes to sleep in, actually he likes to spend whole days in bed if his being honest with himself. He doesn't have anywhere to go, or anything to do. Why would he bother getting up, expect for something to eat and drink, or when he needs to piss.

His been in London 4 months, 4 whole long months and his life has pretty much reached an anticlimactic standstill (not that any sort of standstill could possibly be climactic) but still, he feels like one of those over weight middle aged woman who’s just hit forty and can’t seem it grasp the meaning of it. So she sits in bed, wearing her night gown watching re runs of Opera all day long.

jj isn't like that – he watches Jeremy Kyle instead.

And lets just say; the job hunt was going unsurprisingly horrible, with one dead end after another. He even applied for nanny gigs, though he doubted he’d get any of those. What level headed mother would leave their children with a twenty four year old who couldn't even handle taking care of a gold fish? In his defence he still blames his brother for that one, how was he to know you didn't really feed the fish the  _ _whole__ box of food.

But jj didn't want to think about the fish incident or the awkward talk his mother had forced his father to have with him after their little funeral in front of the toilet bowl ( _you see son, dying is just like going to sleep and never waking up)_ he hadn't sleep for an entire week after that – really that’s how you explain death to a child? jj thanks his lucky stars he wasn't more messed up than he already was.

-

“No means no Blair” jj says as he shakes his head “how many times do I have to say it before you understand?”

“Fine I’ll stop”  _thank mother of god_ “when you give me a good reason”  _always a mother fucking catch right?_

jj sits up, his currently lying across the couch in his small two room apartment, and his rather comfortable, but he rather thinks he needs to see his face, if his going to have this conversation. Not that he has a valid reason – apart from the fact that jj never saw himself singing for a living – letting alone being in a boy band.

“Do I really look like the type of guy who would sing in a boy band?” he asks than ads “or at all?”

“I call bullshit” Blair says as he fiddles with his fancy blackberry. jj really likes Blair, they've known each other for a couple of months. Through a mutual friend that jj used to go to secondary school with – but sometimes he just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. Or in this case leave jj alone.

“I don’t want to do it” and that is finale, or at least jj hopes.

“Fine” Blair mutters, and jj watches him shrug his shoulder as he leans forward and picks up the half empty packet of walkers crisp lying on his coffee table “but I know”

Jj’s brow raises – what exactly does Blair know, nothing. This is just another one of his fucking mind games – trying to get jj to spill. He won’t fall for it, not this time anyway.

“About the  _note book”_

“Have you been going through my stuff again?” he ask raising his voice – for fucks sake. He hadn't cared when Blair had found the packet of condoms he’d stashed in his blue duffel (well he cared until the teasing vanished and it was only mild comments.) but  _ _his__ note book, that’s personal, for his eyes only. Meaning not for Blair to walk in and read, and how’d he even find it anyway.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist Rachel mentioned it last we-“

“Stop, we’re not having this conversation”

“Bu-“   

“Nope, whatever is in that notebook is for me  _only”_ jj stands up than, grasping his shitty nokia tightly, his fingers wrapped around the hard unwilling plastic. Rachel was about to get a mouthful from him, why couldn’t any of his friends keep their big mouths shut – it really wasn’t that hard.

 

_Sleeping in my bed_

 

jj has days – sometimes he spends weeks in his small apartment – trying to block out the sound of the young couple that lives in the apartment next to him fucking. His head underneath the thin pillow so he can at least say his tried to block out the sound of their orgasms as they reach their peaks together.

Then there are days when his mother calls and asks him how his doing and he gives her his usual  _I’m fine mum, just fine_ to stop her worrying. Those are the days when he’ll grab his old worn out jacket and head out into the real world – which smells like petrol and Chinese from the restaurant just a few doors up from his apartment.

Because maybe he’ll feel less guilty about lying to her if he actually goes out, whether it’s to work like he tells her (because in this imaginary world that jj has created, he also has an imaginary job and imaginary friends that aren’t just Rachel and Blair) because let’s face it, having two friends is just – well sad. And jj would rather his mother doesn’t know the extent of which her son was a gigantic loser. 

Today happened to be one of those days – the only problem was he was still fighting with Rachel (or sulking anyway) he supposed the other person had to actual care that you were made for it to be considered a fight  _yeah I told him, wait was it a secret?_ jj thinks he needs to find himself better friends – or at least ones that minded their own bloody business.

So he was stuck with Blair and his purple snap packs, that jj oddly liked even though he’d never wear them himself. They’d agreed to meet at an Indian restaurant five blocks up – because he’d eaten Chinese last night, and there was no way he could stomach that food for the next for days (or month.) It’s a cheap little whole in the wall, with broken plastic seats – and some British Indian who was obviously putting on the accent  _yeah I see right through you_.

But they make due, because while jj wants to get out of the house to escape his mothers guilt, he doesn’t want to leave the area (it’s just way to much hassle) and he is after all living on the budget of a unemployed loser. So yeah this place well do, and the food isn’t ridiculously bad, even though jj swears the duck tastes of something else (his not going to even let his mind go their)

“So” Blair says slowly half ways through the meal, his wiping his hands with one of the red paper towels that were sitting on the table – his voice sounds hesitant, maybe even worried or at the very least unsure “me and Rachel were talking”

“Oh how is the traitor?”

Blair rolls his eyes and sniffles a laugh “come off it jj, you know you’re not really mad at her”

“Yes am I” okay so he wasn’t, but it was the principle.

“Whatever – anyway Rachel and I were talking and long story short I signed you up!”

“I’m sorry what?”

Maybe they didn’t speak English? Maybe if he spoke in French, Italian, Spanish maybe? Oh how about German?

_Nie nie nie_

This is why he hardly has any friends! The urge to strangle them is way too strong, jj supposes if he had more than two friends he’d been in prison for life  _judge I didn’t mean to kill all those people in my defence I did tell them to leave me alone!_   

“This is a good thing”

“How? How is me doing something that I absolutely don’t want to do a good thing?” really he didn’t understand their logic.

“You do want to do it; you’re just scared of what your father would think”  

jj bites his lip, and Blair looks like he wants to say something. He knows they’ve crossed the invisible line that jj had drawn in invisible chalk to keep himself safe “you don’t know anything” he gets out, through gritted teeth as he stands from the table.

“I know more than you think” Blair matches, his voice strong, maybe even stronger than jj’s at this very single.

“No you really don’t”

“Then tell me”

Now at this point jj had one of two options, to crumble and tell Blair the truth. To admit that maybe, there was a part a part of him that wanted what Blair had to offer. Or he could just walk away – pull his invisible amour that kept him protected further up, to avoid anyone seeing the crack that Blair had just made in his mask.

He chooses option two.

 

 

  
 _So show me family (Hey)_

_All the blood that I would bleed_

 

 

The next time Blair rings (or rather the next dozen times) Blair rings, jj doesn’t answer. Doesn’t even do what he usually does, which is to answer and pretend his phone is running out of battery. A sorry lie considering he was at home and his charger sat literally three feet from him. It was the thought that counts right? At the very least, he tried to think of an excuse as to why he just didn’t want to talk to ether of them. 

He was just like that, jj didn’t know why. There was no reading manual to give him direction – it was just that sometimes he didn’t feel like speaking to anyone. Not even his mother, he just curled himself into a ball on the couch and eat cereal out of the box while watching some morbidly obese couple on Jeremy Kyle fight over who cheated the most number of times on whom.

-

By the third day jj couldn’t take it any longer, for fucks sake. He’d even tired turning his phone of – but then they just phoned the land line (and well he couldn’t unplug that, because what if by some miracle one of the billion jobs that he’d applied for actually rang him for an interview) so he was forced to listen to the constant  _ring ring ring_ until he swore he was going to snap and kill someone.

They weren’t getting a phone call – jj relented to texting.

_What do you want spawn of the devil?_

**_Omg jj your actually texting me! I can’t believe you caved!_ **

_Rachel...._

**_Okay okay, I’m sorry about the notebook but why r you mad at Blair?_ **

_Because he signed me up for that bloody band!!_

**_He was only trying to help :(_ **

_I know..._

Screw them for making him feel bad – they were the ones that were meant to feel guilty. There was nothing for him to feel guilty about – he didn’t need their help, and he didn’t need them to try and fix things.

Really though, he couldn’t blame them for trying.

-

_Okay I’ll do it_

**_Really man? You don’t have to do it just for me :/_ **

_No I want to, I shouldn’t have snapped :(_

**_It’s fine man, still mates?_ **

_Yeah of course :)_

 

 

_I don’t know where I belong_

 

jj doesn’t really know what to think about the whole thing – his nervous to say the least. Because when he commits himself to something he wants to succeed at it. It’s still drilled in his brain from when he was a kid and his father would shout until he got back on the horse (literally)  _do you want to be a failure Jamie? No I didn’t think so, so get up and stop crying._

j had never sung professionally, unless the school boys chore counted. His voice wasn’t even that good, why on earth had he agreed to this? Sure he liked to write silly songs, which he jotted down in his note book, which he kept underneath his mattress. But they weren’t very good, just messy scribbles written at four in the morning when he couldn’t sleep.

They were nothing worth making a fuss about. Not songs that even deserved to be sung, just insane ramblings – of a person who couldn’t sort the chaos within his own head.

Nevertheless he promised Blair he’d at least try – and who knows, a few gigs here and their meant some extra cash and if jj was being honest he’d rather sing averagely on stage than dawn on a chicken suit and stand outside of the KFC close by (that’s confidence building his sure.)

The address Blair had texted he was in uptown London, which already broke his rule about leaving his area. It was unsurprisingly uneventful – and took around an hour and half to reach the destination – which was a small building situated between two up scale cafes (you know the ones where the coffee is like three sterling, and served in expensive paper holders, with frilly decorations) not his type of place at all.

jj bites his lip, and stuffs his hands into his pockets before heading inside.

-

It isn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be – mostly because the other two guys aren’t massively driven to the point where their unable to joke around or have any fun. But it’s nerve wrecking because it’s obvious that they both have very strong vocal ability – and jj wants to curse Blair for not warning him, that yes they are both fucking talent, and almost immediately jj feels like the weak link, and he doesn’t like the feeling.

Josh is sensitive and still fairly young, his only nineteen and got this Biber haircut that doesn’t do his face any justice. He likes to fool around – but his a little reserved, like his sussing jj out. Not cold per say, but not exactly friendly ether. That’s okay jj gets it – he understands, his not exactly the friendliest person in the world.

Jaymi is the opposite – his bubbly and fun and most definitely the more driven one of the two. He knows what he wants out of the band, and has ridiculously high standards for himself. He likes Jaymi more, only because his warmer. He latches himself onto jj, and grins widely (winder than jj has ever seen anyone grin) when Blair tells him they have the same name!  _Its faith meant to be Josh!_ jj had just laughed, shaking his head – but it had been easy. Easy to get along with Jaymi, he didn’t care if jj mixed up one of the lines of the opening verse. Whereas Josh has rolled his eyes and huffed – Jaymi just smiled reassuringly  _“let’s take it from the top yeah?”_

-

jj found that it wasn’t that bad – although the long rehearsals Jaymi had insisted upon to make sure they gelled as a band and sounded harmonized were gruelling and long (and hey at lest it gave Josh and jj something to bond over right?) he kind of owned Blair – this was getting him out of the house, and away from day time television.

-

“Mum I really can’t talk”

jj was just about to leave the house – he had his jacket on and everything. Why did he have to answer the phone? Now his got a babbling mother on the other end, who doesn’t understand that’s his going to be late, and Jaymi would kill him (because over the last week he’d learnt that Jaymi Hensley doesn’t do late, not even if you have a good excuse) which he didn’t because he’d stayed up to late watching the latest episode of  _fringe_. But that was beside the point – the point was he needed to get off the line.

“Fine” jj could hear his mother sigh over the line and rolled his eyes and he grabbed his wallet from the kitchen counter “just tell me if your coming or not?”

“I have to think about it mum”

“What’s there to think about  _Jamie”_ jj cringed, leaning back against the closed front door “this is your fathers birthday party we’re talking about”

“It’s not like he wants to see me mum”

“Look mum I have to go, I’ll give you a ring later alright?” he doesn’t wait for her responses.

-

He ends up by being ten minutes late, even after he ran through the sub way and almost crushed into an old lady using one of those new walkers (which ended up with jj tripping on the floor) so by the time he actually got to the rehearsal, he was out of breath and smelt like the worst bites of London.

“What happened to you?”

“Nothing” he grunts out, and removes his grey zip up sports jacket, tossing it to the floor.

Josh and Jaymi exchange a look – but don’t prey, and jj thinks that Blair and Rachel should really take a lesson or two from them in that department.

 

 _I don’t know where I went wrong_    

  
A couple of days later Rachel comes over, carrying a bag of Chinese’s takeaway in her arms. So really even if jj wanted to not let her in, because his knee’s where aching because someone (Jaymi) wouldn’t let them sit down today in rehearsal because he thought they (josh and jj) were just being lazy, the food alone was enough to let her in.

“Hey stranger” she greeted, as she places the food down on the kitchen counter. She begins to unpack the stuff – and jj grunts closing the door, because talking was way too much effort for him at the moment.   

“Someone seems to be in a dashing mood!”

jj sighs “sorry Rach, I’m just tired, these rehearsals having been killing me!” he says – and pads over to sit on the couch – relief swarming him as the soft fabric hugs his tired frame.

“Poor thing” she coos, and brings the food (which she’s taken the time put into separate plates) to the living room area, plonking one of them down on jj’s lap, than taking the seat next to him “what are we watching?” she asks, cuddling up to his side.

“Ben Mitchell is about to confess to murdering Heather”

“Ohhhhh my favourite story line!” she giggles, taking her fork and stabbing a piece of sweet and sour pork.

-

“jj?”

“Yeah” he yawns – it’s late, and they’ve watched three hours worth of re run Eastenders episodes that had been recorded on his sky box. He turns his head – just enough to make out her soft curls, that stick to her face slightly.  

“We’ve been friends for a while now”

_Yes?_

“And lately you’ve seemed better, less miserable”

_Jaymi has been keeping me distracted_

“I was wondering if you wanted to get a bite to eat with me.”

“Oh with Blair, sure”

“No silly” she laughs and places her hand on his thigh and  _oh oh no_ did Rachel like him? This was not happening, Rachel was a close friend, and he’d known her forever. Where was this even coming from? Rachel did not like him, she couldn’t  _oh god please tell me she doesn’t like him._  “I was thinking more like just the two of us”

“Listen Rach” he laughs uneasy, feeling awkward as he shifts away from her “we’re mates” he watches her face “ _just_ mate” and there it was, her face fell “oh.”

“Your beautiful and i-“

“Save it jj, I don’t need the pity speech”

He doesn’t know what to say – she’s packing her things, stuffing her arms into the fabric of her jacket “Rach-“ he tries but nothing else comes out.  _Shit_ he thinks, he cannot let her walk out – this was not the way things were meant to happen.

But she does walk out, embarrassed shaking her head as she leaves  _“see you around jj”_

He just sits there than, frozen in climatic shock of it, with cold Chinese in his lap.

-

His distracted at rehearsals the next morning – he isn’t used to Rachel ignoring him, usually he’s the one who ignores her. Not the other way round, but here he was, on their break, trying again to call her and still no luck.

He sighs in frustration how did he fuck this one up?

“You okay?” jj turns around, and Jaymi’s standing in front of him, two bottles of water in his hand “got you a drink” he offers, holding out one of them. jj gladly takes it, twisting the cap open before placing the plastic to his lips and titling his head back, letting the cold water trickle down his throat.

“I’m fine” he finally says “I just fucked something up”

“Wanna talk about it?” Jaymi is all kind eyes, and sweetie smiles. His teasing is just for fun – and jj knows that – he knows that sometimes Jaymi feels self conscious. He hasn’t known the boy for that long, but can see it flash through his eyes when his looking in the mirror. jj never had body issues, never felt insure about his stomach, or hips or thighs. He still could relate to Jaymi, he bad brain problems, as in, he was extremely screwed up in the head – so he guessed they were equal. 

“Well if you change your mind” Jaymi pats his pack “I’m always here to talk”

jj smiles “cheers mate”

-

Things don’t get easier for jj, not that he excepted them to, this is  _his_ life their talking about. His frustrated all throughout rehearsals for the next week, he can’t hit the note of the song, or do the fancy bloody dance move for their routine. It’s caused tension between Josh and him, and isn’t good for ‘Triple j’ which is what Jaymi has started calling them. It’s not official, but it’s begun to stick.

So by the time Friday rolls around all jj wants is to get wasted and drunk, and just forget his bloody name for five seconds, and the fact that his mother keeps calling about his father’s birthday party, which he  _doesn’t want to attend._ But Blair’s busy, going to some art exhibition with Rachel (the one jj was meant to go to with her because let’s face it Blair hates art or anything that is cultured) is still ignoring him, since he turned her down.

So jj had settled for getting drunk on his own, running out to the ASDA a few blocks from his apartment and buying an eight pack of beers and a couple of snacks. He could get drunk watching a rerun of Coronations Street that was fine. He already knew he was a loser, now he had the social life and proof for it. 

That was until his door bell buzzed.

Who the hell was it? Maybe it was Rachel changing her mind, because she couldn’t take Blair’s whining any longer.    

“Jaymi?”

“Oh hey”

“What are you doing here?” jj doesn’t mean to be rude or anything, but his still trying to figure out why his ‘band mate’ or whatever they were calling each other was standing in his door way.

“Well i-“Jaymi stops and rubs his hands together “shit it’s freezing out here, do you mind if I come inside?” he asks. 

jj nods, and moves aside, letting Jaymi in. He shuts the door after the younger boy, and feels a little self-conscious at his shitty apartment, which he never cleans because he can’t be bothered, and he doesn’t have his mother there to nag him to do it.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting”

“Nothing but my pity party”       

“Does this have anything to do with why you’ve been screwing up all week?”

And  _oh_ now he gets it – Jaymi’s here to kick him out of the band  _sorry you’re not good enough_ well that’s fine jj doesn’t care. Expect he really does – his only been doing this for a month, not long at all, a lousy four weeks, but he’d come to rely on the rehearsals to keep him out of his head, to stop him from thinking. It wasn’t even about the money; Blair was paying them peanuts (less than what he’d make if he’d worn that chicken suit.) No, it was simply something he enjoyed, and now Jaymi was here to take it away from him.

“I can be better”

“Wh-“

“I know I’ve screwed up a lot, and my voice isn’t half as good as you and Josh’s and really you should find someone else, but I’ll work harder, I’ll stay later, and I’ll do anything you want me to please don’t kick me out” his heaving, the words slipping out so fast, he’d almost forgets to breath.

And jj watches Jaymi for a second, waiting for the words he knows his going to hear  _I’m sorry jj we need to find someone else_

But he doesn’t hear them, because the next thing he knows Jaymi is engulfing him in a hug, and jj is taller than Jaymi, so he rests his head on the younger boys shoulder, having to tilt his head toward to do so – but it’s nice. Exactly what he needed, and suddenly out of nowhere a sob escapes jj’s lips. His tired of keeping everything together, his tired of being unhappy, and most of all he really wants Rachel to start talking to him again, because she’s his best friend and he needs her – why didn’t he tell her that? Instead of, just staring blankly at her like a completely idiot.                       

“shhhh darling” Jaymi hushes into jj’s hear, all soft and gentle, “everything will be okay.”  

  
 _You’re my sweetheart_

_I belong with you, you belong with me_

_You’re my sweet_

  
Jaymi promptly sits him down after his tiny mental break down, and says his cooking them dinner, even after jj tries to refuse  _you look like you haven’t had a good home cooked meal in months hush and let me cook for you_

So he does, he sits at the counter and watches Jaymi cook, and smiles at him, when the younger boy turns around every five minutes or so (probably to make sure jj isn’t a ball of mush again.) it’s nice and Jaymi’s all soft and kind and nice to him in a way many people aren’t. It makes jj’s stomach flip for a moment – in a way it hasn’t for a long time.

-

After they eat they cuddle, well more like Jaymi pulling jj down next to him and placing his arm around his waist, not leaving any room for jj to argue – not that he was going to.

“Hey I have to ask, why did you pass by tonight?”

“You looked like you could use someone, I’ve had times in the past when I needed someone there, and there wasn’t anyone there, it’s not a feeling I would wish on anyone”   

Jaymi looks far way, off on his own planet thinking about something – and jj doesn’t want to bother him so he sits there and watches, until Jaymi eyes catch his. He takes a sharp inhale, their brown eyes almost cosmic as they stare, until jj leans forward. He hovers for a second, his thin lips centimetres from Jaymi are waiting for him to stop him – but he doesn’t. So he takes the finale plunge and kisses the younger boy roughly, feeling Jaymi’s fingers dig into his waist, nails clutching onto the bare flesh were his t-shirt has risen up slightly.

jj pulls away than, when air is need, and he glances at Jaymi’s face, and he looks sad, almost panic stricken “what?” jj asks.

“I have a boy friend”

 

_But I can write a song_

  
  
Boyfriend? Really? Really?

_“Shit jj I’m so sorry I come over to see if you were alright and then you were crying and oh god Olly”_

_“Olly?_

_“My boyfriend, shit his going to be so pissed, I better go”_

_“Sure”_

Couldn’t jj just have one day, one fucking day without things going down the god damn drain. How could he be so stupid, of course Jaymi had a boyfriend – who wouldn’t want to date him? Frustrated he stood from the couch and headed for his bedroom, lifting up the thin flimsy mattress to reveal the black school note book underneath. He grasped it, held it to his chest for a moment than grabbed a pen and ripped it open, flopping down on his bed.

He began to write – he could do that. He may not be that great of a singer, or a good friend, a fanatic son or brother, and he may never be able to ride horses like his father had dreamed he would be able to – But he could write, and that was something no one could take away from him. He knew he was good at that.    

-

He guessed this was how Rachel felt when he had rejected her, and laughed because how ironic was this? God must be up their laughing it up – with his sick twisted humour at this.

In the end he decided to go back home, if only to get a break from Jaymi and the utter embarrassment he’d felt towards the whole situation. He’d mistaken kindness for attraction a mistake that hurt his heart – because why couldn’t some like Jaymi like him? Why couldn’t he like someone like Rachel? Why did this world have to be crazy and fucked up and make no bloody sense?

Really, he means really? He just wants answer – but for now he’ll settle for doodling in his note book around the beginnings of a song he’d just started working on. As he sat at the back of the train, watching the English countryside speeds by, loosing himself in the green maze.

-

jj arrives at his parent’s house late – but not late enough to miss dinner (because they’ve moved it back especially for him, lucky him) and goes up stairs to his bedroom to take a shower and change before.

He really doesn’t know what his going to say to his father – the major topic of discussion between them had been Jockey, now there was nothing left to say, just awkward silences and faded memoires and images of thing that will never be.

When he can’t put it off any longer he heads downstairs and hears the soft hum of Euro sports in the background, and rolls his eyes that was so typical of his father. It was sports all the time, in everything he did, and he knew his mother hated it (she just wasn’t stupid enough to open her mouth and say something about it.

He finds his mother in the kitchen, stirring a bowl of something or another “hey mum”

“jj everything alright?”

“Yeah mum, I just wanted to say hi”

“Are you sure sweetie? You look stressed out”

jj shrugs his shoulders “it’s just been a long couple of weeks is all”

-

_Can we talk? I’m so sorry Rach :(_

**_About what?_ **

_About what a dick I am, I didn’t mean to hurt you_

**_Nah JJ I was the dick, you don’t like me, but we’re still best mates_ **

_Really?_

**_Promise, Indian next week with Blair?_ **

_Most defiantly :)_ nbsp

-

jj doesn’t want to help out at the party, doesn’t even really want to attend, but the latter seems non negotiable at the present moment – so he retreats to the stables. That’s where his father found him, stroking Lucky (his old race horse)

"You’ve been avoiding me”

“What?” jj places the brush down frowning.

jj watches his father chuckle shaking his head “it’s okay, you can admit it”

“dad” jj sighs, not wanting to make the tension even greater “I just don’t like disappointing you and I know I have”

jj wished that for once he’d father would do something – say that it wasn’t true. But he didn’t, he shook his head once, turning off the barn door lights and heading back inside. Leaving jj to stand in the semi darkness, wondering if things will ever get better.

 

 

_I don’t think your right for him (Hey)_

_Look at might have been if you’d_

_(Ho) Took a bus to Chinatown_

 

  
The day of the party Jaymi texts him, a short and simple  _hi_ but jj doesn’t reply – mainly because he doesn’t want to. Also because he simply has nothing to say – so he helps get his younger sister get ready and mess her hair up  _“gosh jj my hair looks horrible I said I wanted to look like a princess not Frankenstein!”_

Well he can safely blame his mother for that mess.    

As the day dwells by, and as the party grows closer all jj wants to do is reply to that text. To kiss him again, to feel the younger boy’s finger nails scratching his bare skin. It was electric – and he wants to do it again. But he can’t because Jaymi has a boyfriend – and jj isn’t someone who willing to help him cheat.

So he doesn’t answer his phone, and the party begins – drinks are served out and jj sneaks away talking along a bottle of champagne with him, drinking in the stables. jj loves champagne it’s easy to get drunk on it, and while it gives you a stupid crazy hang over the next day, it’s a little price to pay for a couple of moments of relief.

He can feel it, seeping into his veins, making his mind fuzzy. But it’s a good time of fuzzy, it’s welcome, and all jj wants is to sit here forever, and let this fuzzy feeling last a life time. What now? His phones buzzing, shifting in his pocket, his too drunk to check the caller ID – and holds the phone to his ear

“Hellllo?”

“jj?”

“Well if isn’t the cheater” he slurs, resting his head against the wooden stable doors.

“Are you drunk?”

“Maybe” jj sing songs, and there’s a long pause over the other line, followed by a sight “why are you drinking?” Jaymi asks voice soft.

jj his head, and it hurts – but he has to correct himself, Jaymi’s voice is not soft it’s horrible, a horrible voice “because my father hates me, and you don’t want me”

“Of course I want”

“Not to kiss”

Another sigh “jj gets some sleep yeah? We’ll talk when you get back to London” he then cuts, and jj starts Dunkley at his phone “you should be with me” he mutters (even though he knows his wrong – even though he knows what Jaymi and Olly have is a thousand times more special than their one night eating food in his shitty apartment) he doesn’t want to take it back.

-

The next morning is hell apart from the massive hangover – he has to spend the day hearing his father complain about his absence.

" _Why did you even bother to come Jamie?”_

_“I have no clue dad”_

-

_I’m on my way to your house_

**_Really? Rach is here driving me mad_** nbsp

_Well prepare to thank me, because I bear gifs ;)_

**_Beer?_ **

_;)_

-

“You guys kissed!”

“Yes”

“No way”

“We did”

“Oh shut up Blair, I want details”

“There’s nothing to tell, we kissed, he panicked and blurted out he had a boyfriend”

“Shit”

Yeah jj thinks to himself, as he watches Rachel and Blair bicker  _shit_ is exactly correct.

-

To jj surprise when he turns up for rehearsals there are four people in the studio. Josh looks slightly worried as though and Jaymi looks worse, the other guy just looks calm, as he starts at jj, and then it dawns on him like a ton of bricks.

Olly.

What was he doing here? He’d never bothered to show up to one of their rehearsals before. Did he really see jj as a threat? It wasn’t like Jaymi seemed in the least bit interested in cheating on him, in fact the guilt in Jaymi’s eyes made it perfectly clear; Olly was the one he loved, and jj was just the mistake as usual.

It wasn’t like jj didn’t know this – what did Jaymi and him have? A few cute moment, a stellar kiss and one drunk phone call (apart from it sounding like some thirteen year old chick flick) they really didn’t have anything. Jaymi was just nice to him – gave him what he needed, and jj mistook that for something else.

What he did more than anything, was open jj’s eyes to the fact that, that was what was missing. After all these months, and maybe years of pinning for happiness and not getting it. Of not knowing what was wrong with him – he’d found it. He just wanted someone who cared, someone who he could cry on, someone who made all of his insecurities blimps.

But that person wasn’t Jamie – he was just the one who brought it out, who made him take notice of what he needed. Squaring his shoulders, jj walked over to Olly extending his hand out “I’m jj nice to meet you mate”

“Oh” Olly’s eyes widen, and he scratches the back of his shaved head surprised “nice to meet you too”  

 

 

  
 _I belong with you, you belong with me_

_You’re my sweetheart_

 

“Come on boys!” Jaymi orders standing in the middle of the rehearsal space, hands on his hips. The three of them, jj, Josh and Olly start up at him before Josh groans “mate the x factor audition is tomorrow, we’ve done all we can”

“No we haven’t, and if you two don’t get up right now we’re working till midnight not ten” Jaymi warms, looking like he means it.

ldquo;Olly control your boyfriend!” jj says, hitting him playfully.

“Sorry boys, what my boy want my boy gets”

Josh and jj groan together.  

 

 

  
 _I belong with you, you belong with me_

_You’re my sweetheart_

  
  
“Oh god I’m going to be sick” Josh whines as he leans into jj,  _this is it_ he thinks to himself, the big audition – what Jaymi has worked them for.

“We’ll be fine” Jaymi assures, but jj can hear the fear takes over his tone.

He smiles at both boys, grabs their hands and pulls them towards the doors “come on we’ll be fine!” he laughs.

-

Triple j (yes they end up keeping the name) gets through to boot camp that day – but fails to make it to the judge’s house. On their own anyway – a new member is added. A boy by the name of George Shelley who clings to jj from the moment he meets, him. His young but not too young, he makes jj’s heart swell, in ways he never thought was possible.

Different to Jaymi, it’s better.

And while jj may never get his father approval, and those happy images of his whole family being there at the x factor cheering him on won’t ever come to pass, he finds himself oddly okay with that.

Because his found something that truly makes him happy.

The lights are about to go up, and they’ll perform for the first time live as  _Union J_ – jj can hear the ground screaming from where his stands on the platform, his hearts thumbing, blood rushing into his ears.

He glances over at Jaymi, than at George who smiles back brightly.

Yeah it’s okay.

And who knows maybe one day he’ll even show George his notebook.

_You’re my sweet_

**Author's Note:**

> It would be nice if you commented to let me know what you think.


End file.
